Angie:
Hi, and welcome to another episode of resilience reborn. I’m Angie.
Trey:
And I’m Trey.
Angie:
We are very excited for this episode today. We have Paul Doty here with us. Hi, Paul. Welcome.
Paul Doughty:
Hello, Angie. Trey. Yes.
Angie:
We are so excited to have you here, and we have quite a story. Lots of things in your story that just kind of brought you to where you are, and so we are really excited to have you on our podcast just to kinda share your story. So we’re gonna dive right in. So the first question that I wanna ask you is, share a little bit about your life growing up, how your household was. I know that there was some domestic violence there. So kinda just bring us in, you know, from the beginning. Alright.
Paul Doughty:
Well, first of all, thanks for having me. It’s much appreciated. Yeah. Absolutely. The opportunity to share my story and hopefully be able to help some others that may have Yeah. Experienced something similar.
Angie:
Mhmm.
Paul Doughty:
So, yeah, I grew up in a house in Pennsylvania. I grew up in Pittsburgh in a small little town called Wilmerding, and I lived there with my parents and 2 older sisters. I had a family around. We were an Italian family, so there were a lot of cousins and uncles around. Mhmm. But the domestic violence, nobody I mean, if you look from the outside in, it looked like the perfect family. Right? My father was a football coach. My mother was a choreographer and a dance teacher.
Paul Doughty:
My sisters were baton twirlers that traveled, competitively, and I was a drummer. And but if you look from the outside, in, it looked like the perfect family.
Trey:
It does that a lot. I’ve seen that where it does look like that perfect family on the outside, but on the inside, you just have no idea.
Paul Doughty:
Exactly. Yeah. You close the door, and it’s a different story. Yeah. I remember a few incidents, and many of the incidents, my sisters had to tell me about because the first incident I remember or the last incident I remember was, my father was in the kitchen with my uncle. It was a small kitchen when you first walked in. Again, this was 19 seventies. There was a rotary phone with a 20 foot cord tied in about 20 knots that
Angie:
Oh, yeah.
Paul Doughty:
You could sTreych halfway across the house. So my father was sitting at one side of the table. My other uncle was sitting at the other side of the table. And the table overlooked a small window to the sun porch, and my mother was standing in the kitchen. And I heard an argument. So I peeked around the corner, and I’m 5 years old at this time. I peeked around the corner, and I saw my father pick up a half gallon glass milk jug and swing it and hit my mother over the head. My mother falls to the ground.
Paul Doughty:
My uncle yells, dotes, and stands up. And as my mother lays there motionless, I thought she was dead. And that one incident impacted me my whole life, and I didn’t realize that, and and didn’t realize the impact of witnessing domestic violence, until I took action, and I took action with counseling. And when I started counseling, I was able to open up my mind and my heart to what I was feeling.
Angie:
Right.
Paul Doughty:
What I was feeling was love. Love for myself, love for others, and the love for the world around me.
Trey:
But what age was that that you finally tried to turn that leap over?
Paul Doughty:
Unfortunately, he was 35 years old.
Trey:
Okay. So I I was not I was not
Paul Doughty:
wasted, but I walked through life, autopilot, going through the motions, for 30 years because of that incident, quite honestly. So it took a while to understand that.
Angie:
To even figure out what was going on because you were so small.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. I was so small and, you know, when you grow up that way from the age of 4 to 11, my parents divorced when I was 11, I thought it was normal. Right? That’s normal. If you know, and we used to hear the same type of abuse happening right next door, the same next house over. Same type of stuff. So, yeah, I probably thought it was normal. Mhmm.
Angie:
Mhmm. Oh, gosh.
Paul Doughty:
I think that’s where yeah. I was thinking about this. I think that’s where my resilience started
Angie:
Mhmm.
Paul Doughty:
Back then not so much because I separated. There is probably a fine line there between having resilience and then just separating and just forgetting it like I did, but I think it planted the seed for resilience, to at least start to understand who I was and plant that seed of resilience so that I could learn later on in life how to get past that.
Trey:
I think that it’s a coping mechanism when you’re that young. You just you’re trying to, you know, blank it off. Like, that you know, I I because, I mean, I have similar not similar experience with domestic violence, but when I lost my mom at 15, it was like a coping mechanism. It was just like, shut it off and move on. You know? And then true.
Paul Doughty:
It’s a way to probably protect yourself. Yeah. Right? But when you do that for so long, then there’s a negative impact.
Trey:
Absolutely.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. Yes.
Angie:
So moving on a little bit further, so, clearly, we know that you, thinking that your mother was dead
Paul Doughty:
Yes.
Angie:
What? How did you cope with just that?
Paul Doughty:
Well, quite honestly, I don’t know. Yeah. Because when that happened, that’s the last I remember. I mean, I remember them fighting in the bedroom, and I remember me huddling with my sisters, like, just, you know, trying to feel safe when the abuse was going on. But, yeah, I don’t know. Because quite honestly, I know that I just went blank after that. Yeah. I went blank
Angie:
Oh gosh.
Paul Doughty:
For a number of years.
Angie:
Okay. So then after this all occurs, what did you kind of turn to? What were your things that impacted you most? Were there other people in your life? Were there certain things that you did? Yeah. Does that kind of propelled you to keep moving forward?
Paul Doughty:
Great question. Well, there were 2 things that saved my life back then. One was a supportive adult, and that was my grandmother. My grandmother was my father’s mother, and I spent a lot of time with her. She lived in this 5 story brick building for, like, 40 years that overlooked the park where we all hung out as kids. And she would know if you got out of someone’s car, who you were hanging out with. She could see and smell things from a half mile away.
Trey:
Yeah. That kinda grandmother.
Angie:
That kinda grandmother.
Trey:
Very nice.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. I would see her standing here out of the sun porch window on the 4th floor all the time, and I spent a lot of time with my grandmother. We were very close. That’s where I felt safe. She was my anchor. That’s where I felt normal and where I learned my manners and what was right from wrong. So my grandmother, even though I didn’t tell her that about what was going on, I never did. Not until, I don’t know, almost before she died did I tell her or mention it.
Paul Doughty:
I mentioned it to her. Mhmm. But, yeah, she saved my life and didn’t know it.
Angie:
Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. And the second thing that saved my life was being a part of a community back then, and that community for me was football. I played football from 3rd grade through 12th grade. And, in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, I walked to practice 1 mile each way for 3 years. And I and I when I was just why did I do that? You know? If I could’ve quit, nobody would’ve said anything.
Angie:
Yeah. Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
Would’ve even noticed. Because, again, from but I I I that was my family, again. Mhmm. It’s where I felt safe. It was where I could release some of my anger, if you will, playing football. And so that saved me as well. Okay. Because it kept me from self- isolating.
Paul Doughty:
Because when you’re depressed and you’re going through those types of things, you self isolate, and most people do. If you do that, it just makes things worse. So I think by playing sports, and it kept me developing my character and valuable life skills that I would use later on, it saved my life.
Angie:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. So moving now past this, you found, you know, that you really, really had a safe space with your grandmother in football. Then take us, let us travel with you on what happened next.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. Well, I was unsupervised from the age of 12 to 18. So my parents got divorced, and my father was, you know, you know, when you get divorced, I don’t know what he was doing. He was out running around. But my mother wasn’t around either. My mother was living with a priest, quite honestly.
Angie:
Okay.
Paul Doughty:
So, she was never around. My sisters, for the most part, raised me. My older sister raised me for the most part. But my sister, when my mother wasn’t there, my older sister was a senior in high school. So, I mean, they were partying. Right? So our house became a party place for after, you know, my parents got divorced and my mother wasn’t there. So that’s what they did. They just partied, and I was out running around doing mischievous things.
Paul Doughty:
I should have been dead many times, from the drugs and alcohol that I was using to numb the pain. So that was one of the things that from the age of probably 12 till 35, I spent a lot of time doing drugs and alcohol. So, you know, that brings a whole another aspect.
Angie:
Yeah. So now that’s yes. Yes. Yes.
Paul Doughty:
And, you know, I was playing rugby at this time as well. So, you know, after high school that was after college, I should say, So let me start over. Where was I?
Trey:
Back to high school.
Angie:
You were partying drugs, alcohol during high school because your sisters were raising you.
Paul Doughty:
Right. So, you know, from the age of 12 to 18, I was on my own doing a lot of drugs and alcohol. And there were many times that I lost my train of thought. I’m glad it’s not live.
Angie:
Oh. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Just
Trey:
So let let me ask you this
Paul Doughty:
just on
Trey:
at that point. So so 12, 13 years old, you’re doing you’re going out. You’re doing you’re having drugs, alcohol. Your sister is there, but she’s kind of doing her own thing at that age.
Paul Doughty:
Right.
Trey:
Did she ever notice that or say anything? Like, hey. Maybe we need to straighten this up, or was it kinda like you got this, you know, go ahead?
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. I don’t think anyone noticed. Yeah. I don’t think anyone noticed. And on the 12th, 13th, I don’t think I was into drugs just then.
Angie:
Okay.
Paul Doughty:
It was more just alcohol. Uh-huh. Because I was you know, we had a cabin in the woods, and we would go down there and drink the alcohol, and, you know, we would steal the alcohol from the house. And
Angie:
And now would this be, like, your football teammates, your rugby teammates? Like, would it be that’s who you hung around with, and that’s just what you guys did?
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. It wasn’t, the friends I had back then were a little older than me. So they were maybe 2, 3 years older.
Angie:
Gotcha.
Paul Doughty:
So, they weren’t the guys I played with.
Angie:
Okay.
Paul Doughty:
But, yeah. I mean, it was that time when, you know, you go through high school and you’re and you’re drinking and and and smoking pot before high school, you’re going through the motions again. Mhmm. So, again, I went through half my life just going through the motions, and I think the drugs and alcohol stunted my ability to grow, because all it did was set me back as opposed to when I had an awakening and I got out of that funk. Because when that happened, I, you know, I was in a bad place. I was in a dark place. I was doing bad things. I was hurting people.
Paul Doughty:
I wasn’t taking care of myself. Those are the types of things you do to yourself.
Trey:
Absolutely.
Paul Doughty:
What ended up happening is I ended up taking action. So at 35 years old, it was I who went to see a therapist. I finally said, well, I gotta do something here. Yeah.
Angie:
Because you just knew you were going down a path that was leading to nowhere.
Paul Doughty:
Yes.
Angie:
Okay.
Trey:
Was it a self conscious decision, or was someone on the outside maybe saying, like Yeah. A relationship?
Paul Doughty:
You know? No. It wasn’t anyone else.
Trey:
It’s funny
Paul Doughty:
that you asked that because, again, I was even at 35, so I skipped a little. I skipped some areas there. So at 27, I was playing rugby. I was drinking, snorting cocaine. I was married. I had 2 kids. I walked out. I walked out.
Paul Doughty:
I was lost. And this was right around the time when I started to break through a little bit, because I woke up I started to wake up, and I was like, I don’t like where I am. I don’t like where I am. So that’s kinda what initiated the therapy. So I started therapy
Trey:
And this was a post walking out of your family?
Paul Doughty:
Yes.
Trey:
Okay.
Paul Doughty:
Yes. And again, I was this way. I was a little before it’s probably 32 at this time before I kind of had the big awakening. So I started therapy, and it was apparent to the therapist that I didn’t remember anything. So the therapist contacted my mother and said, you better write Paul a letter because he doesn’t remember anything. So the therapist wrote me a letter, that or I’m sorry. My mother wrote me a letter, kinda gave me some context of when things happen, and why things happen. So that letter, along with the therapy, kind of again, I started to break through some of that fog. And then things started to happen as I started to break out of that fog.
Paul Doughty:
I had just left my kids and my family, and I was assigned I was in information technology and IT, and I was assigned to a project in Cleveland. So I go to Cleveland, and the project site is right next to a church. I never used to go to church, but I went over to church at lunch hour a few times, and I ended up writing the priest a letter. I wrote him a letter saying that I’m going through all this change. These things are happening to me. I just left my family. And the result and then I ended up meeting with the priest. In the end the result of that meeting was he said, just pray.
Paul Doughty:
Just pray. What is it that you want from me right now, oh, Lord? Okay. So probably a month or so later, I’m sitting at a bar drowning my sorrows. It’s a busy bar. There’s a lot of people around. There’s a DJ playing behind me. And I look at a bottle of vodka behind the bar, and I say, what is it that you want from me right now, oh lord? And when I said that, the DJ said, yes. That is God.
Paul Doughty:
I didn’t, I didn’t turn around. I didn’t need to. I knew he was talking to me. So then another time, I was in this busy public area by the beach, and, and I was looking for a place to pray. Again, I didn’t always look for a place to pray back then. And, so I said, well, I’ll just drive along this coastal road and see if I can find a place to pray. So I’m driving along the road, and I come around the corner, and there’s this big opening. So I pull my car down, and then I come up walking up to this opening.
Paul Doughty:
And there’s a circular formation in the ground outlined with rocks. It was a labyrinth. Labyrinths have been used for 1000 of years as a spiritual tool for meditation and reflection, and labyrinths have one way in and one way out. So I started walking through this labyrinth, and I got to the center of the labyrinth. And I looked down, and there’s this little pile of rocks. And sticking out of the rocks is a crucifix of Jesus. And this overlooks a lighthouse, and this lighthouse flashes 1 4 three four I love you. So the lights go 143 for I love you.
Paul Doughty:
So somebody was trying to tell me something.
Trey:
And then in Pennsylvania?
Paul Doughty:
I’m sorry.
Trey:
The labyrinth was in Pennsylvania?
Paul Doughty:
No. This was somewhere else.
Trey:
Cleveland. Sorry. Sorry. Cleveland.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. Somewhere else. And then on September 12, 1998, which was my birthday, I quit drinking and haven’t had a drink for 26 years. So that was kind of my awakening and kinda got me started into oh, and I forgot one thing, which is very important. At the time my mother had given me when I was going through therapy, my mother gave me a tape. It was a cassette tape of a book called A 100 and 1 Ways to Transform Your Life by doctor Wayne Dyer, and that book gave me a lot of insight as well. That helped me a lot to break through that fog because he talks about how we’re all interconnected, and he kinda gives you the understanding that there’s much more to what we see. So it kinda gave me a much bigger perspective of life and beyond life.
Paul Doughty:
So that gave me the foundation to be able to continue, and and and gave me the inspiration to continue. And, yeah, that’s kind of Wow. Kind of catapulted me ahead. Yes. Yeah.
Trey:
That’s huge. Yeah. I mean, just all those, you know, people call them coincidences, but, obviously, they just weren’t. You know?
Paul Doughty:
There was divine intervention. Absolutely. Yeah.
Angie:
Yeah. Absolutely.
Trey:
Yeah. Wow.
Angie:
So you had this turning point. You knew you were resilient, and you really truly had been all these years. It’s just it took a lot longer in a different path to get where you were. Okay? So after this happened, where did that take you in your life? What did you do with this? You know, you said you got sober and Right. But keep taking us on your journey. Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
One of the things that I’m somewhat proud of is I was a football coach for 10 years. I coached youth football, and I always talked to the kids not to teach them about football. It was more to me. It was teaching them about life. And, that was important to me, so as you could see. Because, I actually went to see one of the kids who just why am I getting emotional?
Angie:
Because it’s a powerful story. And all these things, you know, they just may have brought you to, you know, where you are right now. And you’re sitting here, and you’re telling this incredible story. And it’s just powerful, and it’s just hard. Yeah. It’s hard sometimes. Yeah. Well, I
Paul Doughty:
went to see one of the kids I coached.
Angie:
Mhmm.
Paul Doughty:
And, he played 5 years in college, and I went to see him in his last game. And it was special for me
Angie:
Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
To see him. And he wrote me a note saying how special it was for him.
Angie:
So because of that impact. And I think that sometimes, you know, I sit and think, you know, we have 2 girls, 11 and 14, and they have been through some stuff. You know? I mean, they see my anxiety. They see, you know, all of my pain from, you know, when my first husband died. Mhmm. They have watched him, you know, be active with alcoholism and then go away to rehab, and they’ve lived through all of that. And they have to cope. And so sometimes, I would think I’m just not a good parent.
Angie:
We’re not doing this the right way, but it’s things like that that you just said with the letter that no matter where you were in your life, you had that impact on him. And so some I think now we’ve used our, like, adversities to, like, coach our girls through life. Yes. And so that’s why it’s emotional. That’s why because for you, you’re like, wow. Even with your past and how broken you were, that impact that you had on those young people is just you know, I’m a choir director too, so I get that. I have coached many kids through a lot of things, and not just it just it’s so good to feel that you did that. So
Paul Doughty:
I think
Trey:
too that connection a long time ago when you were using football as an escape, which I think a lot of kids do.
Paul Doughty:
They
Trey:
You know, I know that she’s even had kids who would go to school just so they could get out of the hell that they were in at home. Yeah. So I think there was that connection too. It’s like, this was powerful to help me.
Angie:
It was kinda a full circle moment for you, I feel like, maybe because you did. You did put everything into that when you were younger, and then you’re coaching these kids.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. And what’s ironic is my dad was a football coach too. I think I
Angie:
mentioned that earlier. Yeah. But
Paul Doughty:
So he was a football coach too. My uncle was a coach. So football was It
Angie:
was just a thing. Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
Food and bread
Angie:
in my family. Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. So you were the football coach, and then now how did the relationship end up with, like, your wife and your kids and then kinda moving forward with that?
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. Well, as I mentioned, I left my 2 kids and my first wife. I see I’m going to see one from here, my daughter. So I see them all the time. I have 3 step kids with my second ex-wife, as well as a second 3rd child with my second wife. So I have 6 kids
Angie:
Okay.
Paul Doughty:
3 step kids.
Angie:
Okay.
Paul Doughty:
What was your question?
Angie:
If you’re just talking, you’re just gonna keep on going. And so you do have a relationship with your kids that you walked out on.
Paul Doughty:
Yes.
Angie:
But then you eventually did get remarried.
Paul Doughty:
I did get remarried. As I mentioned, I have 3 step kids and another child with my second, marriage. His name is Sam, still living at home. And when I started going through when I had the awakening, I met my second wife. And she ended up moving to Pittsburgh with her 3 kids, my 3 step kids, and lived there for a number of years. And then she hated Pittsburgh because she came from where the beach was. So we moved to Scituate, Massachusetts, to where the beach is. I was married for 23 years.
Paul Doughty:
It was good at first, but then my wife cheated on me for 12 years. I never knew. Because I was in IT, I was traveling 4 days a week. You know, I traveled all the time. So I found that out, and oh, man. Yeah. And it was a very emotional abusive marriage. I and I and being and I ask myself this because I think being close to abuse, you know, having that experience, it’s almost like I didn’t realize it for a while.
Paul Doughty:
Right? It’s almost like, wow, I’m being emotionally abused, but I didn’t realize it. So that lasted a long time until I had enough, and, and it was a very horrible divorce. I mean, I slept on the couch for 4 years. She wouldn’t leave. Talk about resilience.
Angie:
Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. Yeah. She wouldn’t leave, so I ended up sleeping on the couch, and I couldn’t get her out of the house. She wouldn’t leave. So we’ve finally agreed on a divorce. And, the day that we left court, we were supposed to, get together and go through the house to see you know, we’ll take turns and take things. Right? And, I came home from somewhere, and she was packing everything up. And I said, what are you doing? Kleptomaniac.
Paul Doughty:
Right? That didn’t go over very well. So, I started walking over. I said I knew there was a picture over here that I wanted of Sam playing football. So I went and grabbed that picture, and then she attacked. She came after me because I had the picture. So she hit me once, hit me twice from the back. She came around and pushed me, and I’m and I have my cell phone. I’m trying to take a picture, get a video of this.
Paul Doughty:
Right? And I couldn’t. So I ended up dropping the picture, and then she let me go. I called 911. The cops came, and she left. That’s how I got her out of the house.
Trey:
Oh, wow. Yeah. Talk about the last hurrah. Oh, god.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. It took me 4 years. I, you know, I’ve never told anybody this. It took me 4 years. So if I wouldn’t have had the resilience of going through all the adversity and the challenges that I had all my life, I mean, that only helped me.
Angie:
I was just getting ready to ask you. Like so you you didn’t waver with your recovery or any of the that you had been moving forward during this whole time. You were just resilient and standing tall, and wow.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. For 4 years. Yeah.
Angie:
So many people would have regressed. I just know it. They would, you know, find that they would go back to that place, and that’s pretty dang awesome.
Paul Doughty:
Well, that’s thank you. And I never thought of that because when I quit drinking, it was divine intervention, as I mentioned. It was a snap of the fingers. If I didn’t it wasn’t hard for me. And I hate to say that because so many people struggle. They struggle, and it’s so hard. But it wasn’t for me. And I never have even thought about God.
Paul Doughty:
I mean, I go to sit in the bar and have something to eat at the bar and, you know, it doesn’t bother me. If you know, I will buy a bottle of wine for somebody and sit and drink there with you.
Angie:
You know,
Trey:
I’m the same way. I was just and it was almost instantaneous. Once once I kind of
Angie:
Because you had that.
Trey:
Let that let that go and bring and, you know, let God into my life. At first, it wasn’t God, but it was something similar that I came up with, you know? But as soon as I let something bigger than me into my life Yeah. Put it that way, the obsession was lifted completely, and I haven’t thought about it since. It’s amazing. And I think that, I think just going back to that, I think a lot of people, if they would just kind of open their minds up to that, they would they would cease the the the struggling
Angie:
Well, you know, it’s similar too with him because you said you didn’t go to church, you didn’t, and then all of a sudden, you’re here next to a church with your job. Yeah. And same for Trey. He never really had any type of faith growing up, you know, since his mom died. And then he found his faith, and it was just like that. Just like, I love that those stories are very similar. That’s really cool.
Paul Doughty:
It’s great.
Angie:
Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay.
Trey:
Let me let me go back real quick because I feel like there’s probably a lot of people in our audience that might or some people that might be going through something similar with, you know. So we’ll go back to when you left your family. You were in a bad bad place. Mhmm. No one can understand what that feels like except yourself. Everybody will look at you like, I can’t believe you left your family and and and right? Yeah. But you know inside yourself, so you got right. What’s that conversation like to get back into your children’s lives and explain that, you know, what was going on with you to them and help them understand that?
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. I think they’re still learning.
Angie:
Sure.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. Because, I do public speaking for teenagers, high school students. And my daughter came to my first one where I talked about some of the things that we talked about, and she didn’t know any of these stories. And my other son just listened to a podcast I was on, and he was like, boy, I didn’t know I didn’t know these things. I said, well, nobody did. Nobody did. But, to answer your question, I remember telling my kids when I was leaving. We went down to the basement.
Paul Doughty:
I mean, 4-6 years old. And, you know, I was traveling. Like I said, I was traveling 4 days a week, so I used that as saying, well, you know, dad’s going away just like he’s traveling, and I had a little, I don’t know, some poster board or something I was writing on, and and all I remember is my daughter crying. And that took it out of me. And I’m with them all the time. I see them all the time. I have 6 kids who love me, so that’s all that matters. So, yeah, I was out of their life, not out of their life.
Paul Doughty:
I was a little bit removed. Uh-huh. Because when I left Pittsburgh, we moved to Boston. My 2 kids stayed in Pittsburgh. So I would see them every month or 2 when I would go back to see them. I didn’t see them as often as I did when we lived in Pittsburgh because, you know, you do the weekend thing
Angie:
and all that. Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. So, I never really lost touch with them. I think my relationship has gotten better over the course of the past several years, especially since I got divorced because, quite honestly, they didn’t want to be around my second wife. Okay. At least my son did.
Angie:
Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
So, you know, that kinda kept them at a little distance. So over the past 3 years, it’s been great because I’ve seen them all the time now. So it’s gotten a lot better, the relationship. And the relationship with my step kids is really good as well.
Angie:
Wow.
Trey:
That’s awesome. And it’s kind of you know? Because I went through something similar with when I had to go away to rehab, and, basically, the message was, I can’t be here. I shouldn’t be here for you the way I am now, and I can’t be here the way I need to be until I get myself right.
Angie:
Mhmm.
Trey:
So I think that’s what you were doing. You were getting right yourself. You know? So I totally understand that absolutely.
Angie:
Yeah. And I love that they have come around, and now they see you, you know, speaking and telling your story. And it’s like a moment for them that it wasn’t just my dad’s leaving.
Paul Doughty:
Yes. Well, I told my daughter after that first time. I said, Katie, I could’ve been married to Marilyn Monroe, and it wouldn’t have mattered.
Angie:
Yep. Right.
Paul Doughty:
Because it wouldn’t have mattered who I was married to. It could’ve been x y z. It didn’t matter. It was gonna happen. Right. It was gonna happen. Yeah. Because I was just in
Angie:
that state. You were in a situation that you just no longer could not be in.
Paul Doughty:
Right.
Angie:
Just in the state that you were. Right? Wow.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah.
Angie:
Okay. So 4 years, you got out of that marriage with her and she left after you called the cops. Okay. So since then, that’s how many years ago now?
Paul Doughty:
Not that long. 2. Okay. It’ll be 2 this January.
Angie:
Okay. Yeah. So what has happened in those 2 years now that that’s where you’re at?
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. Well, boy.
Angie:
A loaded question? Can you hear me?
Paul Doughty:
It was quite I mean, the last 10 years of the marriage was very contentious. So I was so relieved when the cops came
Angie:
Yes.
Paul Doughty:
And she left.
Angie:
Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
I was so relieved that I I I I don’t know if I could describe it. It was because it was a long time that I lived this way.
Trey:
Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
And I was being suppressed, suppressed. And it was like I had a voice again. That’s what it was like, that I had a voice again. But since then, I’ve always wanted to do public speaking. And I had it on hold for the longest time, because it wasn’t the right time. Right? I was going through all kinds of things. So, since then, I’ve focused on public speaking. I have also written a book.
Paul Doughty:
Well, it’s gonna be published in the next few weeks.
Angie:
Oh, yay.
Trey:
Oh, nice.
Paul Doughty:
Resilience, My Ultimate Superpower
Angie:
is the
Paul Doughty:
name of the book.
Angie:
This is your logo on your shirt. Right? Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
Well, this one says, resilience is my superpower, but there was a book named Resilience is My Superpower, so I had to change it to Resilience, My Ultimate superpower.
Angie:
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Paul Doughty:
So, yeah, that book will, again, kind of describe my life. It’ll take me through my life. It’s not an autobiography by any means, but it does kinda mimic my speech to the teenagers, about speaking up, being involved, embracing self discovery, which is all taking action to build resilience. That’s my message to the teenagers. So, I focused a lot of time on my book as well as I’m in the process of writing a TV series. I’m having a TV series written on my story.
Angie:
Wow. So,
Paul Doughty:
I’ve the working title for that is behind the curtain.
Angie:
That’s right.
Paul Doughty:
It will focus a lot on my life and my time alone, my time with my mother not being home and living with a priest. So a lot of that will be told in that TV series, and some of that will be mentioned in my book as well.
Angie:
Okay.
Paul Doughty:
So that’s what I’ve been focusing on since. Yeah. I’m excited because I wanna help people. I’ve always wanted to help people. That’s all I do. Yeah. So this gives me the platform Mhmm. Platform Mhmm.
Paul Doughty:
To be able to help people just as you’re trying to do with this podcast. So I think we’re in this together
Angie:
100%. To
Paul Doughty:
help people that may be suffering from some of the things that we experienced and be able to help them. That’s my message.
Angie:
Yeah. I think, you know, a lot of the time, I say I’ve found so in February, it will be 20 years since my husband passed away, and it hasn’t been until the last 3 years. So you’re talking 17 years later that I finally think I found purpose in my pain. And that is you know, even just along with him, I think that he finally came to the realization too that this is what we should be doing. This, you know, having guests like you on, that we can just it’s a platform. You know? I sit in these chairs, and I have interviewed other widows. And I am in awe of their perspective because I didn’t have that perspective. I was 25, and I just wish that we had something like this when that happened to me.
Angie:
Yeah. Like, it is amazing what we all can do and how much we like, even this one episode with you is gonna just touch so many people, and it’s gonna resonate with so many people. Because like you said at the very beginning, we just don’t know that everything just looks good from the outside a lot of the time. Yeah. But there’s so much brokenness.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah.
Angie:
So much brokenness.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. Every family has dysfunction.
Angie:
They do.
Paul Doughty:
Right? It’s just a
Angie:
It’s in everyone’s life. Yep. Yes. Exactly. And we we hit it, a lot of it, I think, just when, you know, when he was actively drinking and all, you know, I just
Trey:
All I did was hide it. I mean, that was my big thing.
Angie:
And it was not until we decided not to do that that things actually started happening for us. And yes. And so I think with you too. Yes. It wasn’t until you acknowledged it and you started to seek out the things that could, you know, help you, whether it be that divine intervention or, you know, you just going into the church building. You know what I mean? Things like that. I think that once we open ourselves up to that and we feel vulnerable, that’s when the work really starts to happen, I think, which is scary, but it’s beautiful.
Paul Doughty:
It is, and it seems like it’s happening for both of us or all of us.
Angie:
I know. Because we are on the same wavelength. Because that’s all we wanna do is, you know, speak and and tell people, you know, how they can be resilient and work through that. So, any last thoughts do you have? Did we cover everything that the message that you wanted to share? Is there anything that we missed?
Trey:
Know that you have you’ve left out some part parts of your story just purposely because you wanna be able to to share it with
Angie:
We want people to buy your book. The book.
Trey:
Well, yeah, and watch the series and really fill in those blanks. But, you know, I I think your your your story kind of reminds me of, like, a I don’t know, for lack of a better word, like, an onion with very with a lot of layers
Angie:
Yes.
Trey:
That could touch a lot of different people. You know, someone might not, you know Resonate. Resonate with domestic violence, but they might resonate with, you know, not being right somehow and having to step away from their family too, you know That’s good.
Angie:
You do have a lot of layers.
Trey:
Yeah. Or being in a relationship that’s just so toxic and you can’t get out of it, but you do everything you can to push through and then finally, eventually, you get to a point where you can get out of it. And now you focus on yourself, right, which some people think you know? Because when I got back, I had to focus on myself. I had to be selfish. Because without finding myself, who I am, and what I wanted to do, I wouldn’t be a help to anybody, my wife, my daughters, or or now anybody else out there. So, these are tough decisions that we make, as individuals to a greater cause.
Angie:
Yeah.
Trey:
And no one understands it. Sometimes even we don’t until we get to that part. Yeah. You know? Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
If it does bring up, I think there may be one other thing that I wanna mention only because it might be able to help somebody. I went through a very depressing state. I had Lyme disease for 10 years. So I had Lyme disease for 4 or 5 years before I even knew it. Mhmm. And then I was on antibiotics for 4 or 5 years, taking 3 or 4 at a time, and, you know, that was horrible. So I ended up coming out of that totally depressed. I was suicidal after the Lyme disease.
Paul Doughty:
I ended up taking action and found TMS therapy, Transcranial
Angie:
I’ve never heard of that. TM
Trey:
We’ve heard of everything.
Angie:
No. Right? We’ve tried them all, but not this one.
Paul Doughty:
Transcranial magnetic stimulation, TMS therapy.
Angie:
Okay.
Paul Doughty:
I was I was suicidal. So I found TMS therapy, Healing House in Florida. They put a thing on your head, and they find something different, and they simulate the cells of your brain or stimulate the cells of your brain with magnetic. So
Angie:
Oh, wow.
Paul Doughty:
So they tapped on my head here for, like, 10 minutes, and they tapped over here every 5 seconds for 10 minutes. And then over here for 15 minutes, it saved my life. TMS therapy saved my life. Most definitely.
Trey:
Now is this the one where because I know there’s something similar where where, basically, you cannot lie. Like, you have to tell the truth. Have you heard of this? No. I’ve seen it on, I think, Hal Hoverman. Yeah. And it was kinda similar. They pinpoint certain parts of the brain with magnetic resonance or whatever, and it was yeah. Like, it was crazy.
Trey:
But
Angie:
And so what was this doing? Like, what
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. Well, well, it’s for depression and anxiety. So how they do what they do is they rest your arm like this on something, and then they put this thing on your head and find different spots. And your hand goes like this
Angie:
Oh.
Paul Doughty:
Involuntarily.
Angie:
Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
So they’re looking for certain spots, and then they find that spot, and then they you know? So that’s where they hit these three spots on my head. I went for 30 days.
Angie:
I was gonna ask you. Tell how long were you there?
Paul Doughty:
Like 30 days. So I went to Florida. My sister lives in Florida, so I stayed there. 30 days every day for 30 days, probably took an hour, and I walked into this place crying. I mean, I was crying, technically crying when I walked in. I walked out on a new man. I was a new man.
Trey:
So you’re there for 30 days straight?
Paul Doughty:
Or you just every day for
Trey:
30 days. Okay.
Paul Doughty:
They would put this thing on my head.
Angie:
And did you just research and you found this, or did someone tell you this?
Paul Doughty:
Like Isn’t that something too? How God works. My sister had a friend. My sister’s son went to school with one of the boys, and his mother owned this healing house in Florida. And I just went down. They had a psychiatrist. They interview you to
Angie:
Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
See how crazy you are, and and then they do that, you know
Angie:
Wow.
Paul Doughty:
Mapping of your head. Yeah. And then yeah. It is. I would recommend it for anybody because they don’t give it to anybody. You have to have gone through therapy and tried medication, and, you know, you’re still staring at the wall. And, it saved me 100%. Yeah.
Angie:
Wow. Okay. And that was just recent? That was just That
Paul Doughty:
was about 4 or
Angie:
5 days ago. Okay. Okay.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. It was when I was in that bad place of marriage.
Angie:
Mhmm. Okay. That’s okay.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. It’s my second marriage.
Angie:
Okay. So now you are in IT. Yeah. But you’re no longer in IT. Right?
Paul Doughty:
Right.
Angie:
Okay. Yeah. Okay.
Paul Doughty:
I spent 16-30 years in IT, 16 with Accenture, and, I was, I migrated a lot of Fortune 500 companies to the cloud. So we got all their information, everything to the cloud. Now that everyone’s in the cloud, they don’t need me anymore, and they need AI.
Angie:
Uh-huh. Right.
Paul Doughty:
So I was more or less let go for AI
Angie:
Oh, okay. For the most part. Okay.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah.
Angie:
And this is what your full time gig is now? You’re you’re speaking
Paul Doughty:
Absolutely.
Angie:
Doing what you absolutely love.
Paul Doughty:
Should’ve been doing it a long
Angie:
time ago. I know. Right? Yes. I know. It’s
Paul Doughty:
But there’s a time.
Angie:
It is all yes. It is. And it’s along the journey that you’re on, and that’s you know, you’re here now to help people and okay. So tell us one more time. So you have about your book and your series, you know Yeah. Just kind of
Trey:
And how how would if someone wanted
Angie:
Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
How can to speak
Trey:
if they wanted you to speak at their event. Yeah. Tell them how to get a hold of you.
Angie:
How do we get it?
Paul Doughty:
You can reach me at pdspeaks.com. That’s my website. It has a contact form there that you could fill out, and I will surely contact you from there. So the book should be released in a month’s time. I’m waiting for the final revision, and then it will take a few weeks for publication. I intend as well to do an audiobook with that, so, on Audible.
Angie:
Yeah. That’s
Trey:
Why do I listen? Yeah.
Angie:
That’s why I read, listen. Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
I’m not much when I was little. You know? Well Yeah.
Angie:
I was
Paul Doughty:
trying to survive.
Angie:
Yeah. You sure were. Oh my gosh.
Paul Doughty:
So, yeah, I didn’t read it. I do the audiobooks as well, especially when you’re driving.
Angie:
Yeah. Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
Easy. It’s a good time for it.
Angie:
Okay, Paul. So one piece of advice about resiliency. I know that’s a hard question.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah.
Angie:
But just you traveling this path and where you came from and where you are now, what is just one piece of advice that you would give an audience or anyone?
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. Don’t let it bother you. I don’t let things bother me. If somebody’s doing something, if somebody wants to act like an idiot, I don’t want somebody to call me an idiot, but what? So I am not responsible for my actions and reactions and not anything else. So I don’t let other people’s actions or their words bother me, because it’s not just me, I don’t let it in. So it’s not important. So you control your own emotions. So, you can control what you react to and how you act, and you can’t control other people’s actions.
Paul Doughty:
So that’s what I would give as the one Yeah. Comment.
Trey:
Yeah. What about let’s go back 35 years ago in that first step. If someone’s in the first step? I mean, it could be the simplest thing, but what would you suggest? Like, what was something that
Paul Doughty:
That’s a great question. I don’t know if there’s any one thing.
Trey:
No. But they gotta take some kind of action.
Angie:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
Taking action is stepping out of your comfort zone. That’s what self discovery is, taking that first step. You know? Nobody wants to go to counseling. Yep. Nobody wants to go see a therapist. Nobody wants to ask for help. But, you know, kids, the teenagers, 50% of them are being bullied, you know, with this online, this digital landscape
Trey:
that you’re
Paul Doughty:
dealing with. But only 35% of teenagers that are struggling with anything ask for help. Mhmm. Only 35%. So 65% of our teenagers that are struggling with whatever it is aren’t asking for help. So it’s taking that first step out of your comfort zone and asking for help Yeah. For that supportive adult or somebody that you trust.
Angie:
Yes. And I say and you said that throughout this episode, your action. You took action. You just dug deep and you took action. And here you are, and you’re really taking action now.
Paul Doughty:
Yeah. So definitely. If I wouldn’t have taken action probably 3 or 4 different times in my life, I wouldn’t be here.
Angie:
Yeah. Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
If I wouldn’t have quit drinking,
Angie:
I wouldn’t be here.
Paul Doughty:
If I wouldn’t have played football, if I wouldn’t have had my grandmother and, TMS therapy. Those four things. Wow. That’s why I’m still here.
Trey:
It’s amazing.
Angie:
Yes. That’s we I just we can’t thank you enough for being here with us today.
Trey:
Yes. And coming all the way down, we really appreciate
Angie:
- To be in person with us is just really, really
Paul Doughty:
much more
Angie:
Yeah. It’s just good. Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
It’s much better.
Angie:
Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
Much better being face
Angie:
to face. Yeah.
Paul Doughty:
And get to meet special people like you.
Angie:
Yes. That’s right. And I hope that we can connect further, like, you know, I think that there’s a lot of things that we could do together and things like that too. So
Paul Doughty:
I hope that’s
Angie:
true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we are so appreciative, that you listen to this episode of Resilience Reborn. Once again, you can go to pdspeaks.com, right, to find Paul and look for his upcoming book and TV series that’s gonna happen in the near future as well, hopefully. Yes.
Trey:
And we’ll have all the links and everything.
Angie:
Yeah. We’ll have all the links posted, and, thank you for being with us on this episode of Resilience Reborn.
Trey:
Thank you.
Paul Doughty:
Again, thank you.
